I come from a big family, my dad was one of eight and my mum one of six, and most of them had three kids who went on to have two or three kids. Safe to say there’s a lot of us!
Growing up it was nice to be part of such a big group, but sometimes also a bit challenging. Family gatherings usually involved a polite interrogation from the aunties, plus a vetting of any boyfriends, to make sure they were good enough and supported the right football team, amongst other important considerations 🤷♀️
One of the things I loved most, and still do, is that we don’t have to see each other all the time to know we all care about each other. I remember one of my aunties telling me if I ever needed anything, anytime, just go see her. No problem too big or small. I always felt like there was a safety net so to speak.
There are lots of sayings that are repeated regularly over the years, one of which is that the apple never falls far from the tree. This one comes out often because, as you’d expect I suppose in a large group of a similar gene pool, some of us are very alike. Cousins who look alike, daughters who are just like their mothers, and a well known distinctive characteristic that is the family chin. Yes, it’s kind of a double chin that you have, even if you’re on the skinny end of the scale. Recognisable in person and also on photos and commented on often, in a positive way, like it makes them belong even more because they’re just like us.
It’s not just the physical characteristics that are passed down though is it? A lot of what we learn about life and believe about ourselves comes from our parents. And people are different. Some have parents that are organised and good with money and had routines where meals were planned and the tea was on the table every night at half past five. Chicken on a Monday, sausages Tuesday, etc. It was predictable.
Not everyone’s parents were like that. Because maybe their parents weren’t, or their experiences shaped them to do things differently. Personally, I’m not a meal planner. I buy a selection of ingredients with a rough idea of what they’re going to make and I decide what I want to eat and cook it. If something is heading out of date I’ll cook it but freeze it or leave it a couple of days until I want to eat it, because as much as I don’t meal plan, I also hate waste.
A lot of the beliefs we have about ourselves were formed in our childhood and were based on what we were told by our parents. It’s fair to say that generation was less educated on the impact of that and so they were doing their best. Lazy was one word used regularly in our house growing up and we were told that we’d end up working behind a checkout if we didn’t pull our socks up. I think it was reverse psychology badly used to be fair.
It was very much a case of do as I say and not as I do though. They wanted us to do well in school but paid little interest in homework and making sure it was done and I know that the three of us siblings became very good at using the five minute registration time to quickly do anything needed that morning. Turns out we were pretty bright which was fortunate, because none of us were good at creating a dependable routine where we’d get home and sit at the table and do our homework. We’d do it as and when we felt like it unless a better offer came along, which let’s be honest, wasn’t hard to come by!!
As I work on my own personal development these days, I’ve always been focused on my strengths and building them further, following the view that taking my weaknesses and trying to improve them is a bit like flogging a dead horse, lots of effort for very little reward, and that floats no ones boat. What I’ve realised is that I need to do two things about my weaknesses.
Firstly, outsource or delegate. I’m not good with mundane and repetitive tasks, which is why I had a cleaner, ironing person, and gardener until the pandemic put a stop to them. No wonder the last 18 months have been a struggle. At one point I was cleaning my own house and cleaning my dads too and I remember finding it such a slog. Some people like cleaning. I’m not one of them. I now pay the teenagers to clean the house, and I put their earnings into a child pension for them. My parents were also not great with money. I want to show my kids how to be great with it, which is why I’ve taken this approach. They’d much rather have the cash and spend it but they’re learning the value of not doing that…and besides they don’t really want for anything to be fair. But more on that another day.
Secondly, find a way to deal with the things you do need to do. I haven’t got to where I have in my career without learning to do this and so have my siblings. Sometimes you need to do stuff that’s boring and repetitive and guess what? We can. Personally I don’t like to and I put it off at times (hello expenses, the bane of my life) especially if it just needs doing to tick a box…please don’t waste my precious time. I could do with an admin assistant, please apply within!
What I’ve found though is that if there is a deadline, that helps me focus. I can complete urgent work, most of the time. If I’m being paid to do something, that also focuses me because it’s a fair exchange of value. If I can do a mundane task whilst I’m doing something else, that also helps, like washing the floor whilst listening to a podcast or cooking tea whilst listening to some training. In fact, that helps me pay more attention to what I’m listening to, often if I’m sat behind a computer for something like that my mind would drift off or an email might catch my eye and distract me. Chopping veggies seems to keep me focused. Might not work for you but the point is you need to find what does.
Personal development is defined broadly as activities that develop a person’s capabilities and potential, to improve that person and help achieve their goals and aspirations. Honestly, I didn’t find one definition that I liked enough to quote but feel free to look it up yourself if that’s important to you.
Personal development is also about understanding yourself as well as you can, which might involve doing some work reflecting on your life so far, including thinking back to your childhood, what that taught you, and how it shaped you, both your thoughts and your actions. Personality tests are another useful part of the equation too, although these can often make us feel like we have the “wrong” personality, when in fact these are also quite broad groupings and we often find we’re a combination of types and can take bits from each.
Understanding yourself better is only part of the equation though, the other side of that is what you want to improve, what you want to actively change, and how you do that. With both personality tests and our belief system from our childhood, these are not necessarily set in stone. It’s great you understand what has shaped you and how you are now but important to remember that the great thing about us humans is our capacity for change.
As I’ve mentioned, I’m not great with a routine, but I can (and do) prioritise elements of daily life. I couldn’t tell you that I get up and do xyz in that order every day, but I do shower every day, brush my teeth, make myself look presentable, eat healthy food, take care of the kids and the dog and the household tasks. My days can vary hugely and I like that, but the core elements that help me function are still done, even if sometimes in different orders and at different times.
The key to personal development (and achieving the goals you want so that you live up to your own expectations) is working out what is important for you and how you can improve your strengths and mitigate your weaknesses, or work around them. Finding different and better ways to deal with issues as you recognise them makes life easier all round.
If you’re frustrated that you’re not living up to your potential and want to focus on your own development and goals, drop me a line to find out more.
