Creating habits that work for you

Habits are something you do naturally that you don’t need to think about, behaviours that are ingrained in your daily processes that you just do. Some might be good, and some not so good, and because you do them on autopilot and they’ve built up over your lifetime, you may not even realise they’re habits.

All of your habits, the good and the bad, are serving you in some way. You’re getting something out of them that you at one time thought useful. For example the glass of wine after a stressful day can be a useful way to wind down, so you have a habit of reaching for the bottle when you’re feeling stressed. And don’t get me wrong, that can be an effective way to destress in the here and now. But some habits, and this one as an example, might make you feel immediately less stressed but the after effects of the alcohol may actually make things worse. Our brains prefer the immediate reward though, and we can tend to ignore the potential consequences of that reward (even if at the back of your head you already know you’ll feel sluggish tomorrow and won’t be glad you had that second glass!).

Habits are formed over our lifetimes and one of the influences to them in our earlier years is parents. The habits your parents had can often become yours by default. Sometimes this is a good thing, brushing your teeth regularly for example. Other times we might have picked up habits that we just do now, but that when we think about it aren’t great for us. As a child, I always got a treat on an evening after tea, a bar of chocolate. These days its not something I do, I phased it out as I grew up, but occasionally I do fancy something sweet on an evening and if I want it, I have it. It’s not a habit though, it’s something I do deliberately and occasionally. If I’d kept it going rather than recognising it and choosing to do something different, it would still be a habit though, and one that doesn’t serve me or my goals. We have to recognise the habits we don’t want and actively address them.

Last week I wrote about personality tests (go and read it on the last blog post if you missed it). Often our personalities influence our habits. For example, if you’re an upholder, chances are that you have a strong set of habits that you do every day towards achieving your goals. Similarly if you’re an obliger, I imagine that you might have some habits you develop because they are helpful for others, rather than you: and those might not be habits that serve you and your goals. If you’re a rebel like me, you might find it hard to create habits that stick, because you rebel against your expectations as well as other’s expectations. A questioner would likely only build habits that have been justified.

Building a habit that helps us move in the direction of our goals means we take consistent action and small steps every day towards what we want. We build momentum and do it easily and without drastic action or unnecessary thought. Before we know it we’re making progress and it feels effortless. That’s the power of habit.

One of the easiest ways to create a habit is to anchor it to a habit you already have. For example, if you always make a coffee first thing on a morning, and you want to create a habit to take your multivitamin, putting the multivitamin next to your coffee machine or in the cupboard with your coffee or cups means you’ll see it and remember and that will trigger your new habit. Cues like that are helpful in creating habits that will stick.

Another tip for creating habits is to make them small. Really really small. So small that it feels like they won’t make any difference. Stephen Guise wrote a great book on this called mini habits, about setting the bar so low that even on your worst day you can do them. It leads to momentum and achievement and consistency which all lead towards your goals. It’s an easy but useful read if you want to find out more.

As I’ve already mentioned, as a Rebel I find it hard to stick to expectations, from both myself and others, so I’ve found a way that works for me. I created a list of all of the habits that I know are good for me. A list of things that help me relax, have optimal health, and generally be at my best. There’s about 15-20 on the list. Every day, I tick off the ones I’ve done that day. I don’t do them at a special time, or in a specific order. It’s flexible enough that I don’t need to do them at all! But even on my worst days I’ve usually done at least two or three. But the tracking of them really helps me to see my progress. I have a sum of the habits I’ve done each day and then a sum of the total. I added up Q1 yesterday and it was 253 so now I have some data to use for Q2 to measure against. I can also see which of my habits I do more often, and which less often. This has led me to reflect on what I might change and do differently to build the habits further, but also to check and see if that’s a habit that’s important or whether it should be taken off the list. In the end I decided they’re all important and none were removed, but that I do need some more visual cues for some of them so I’m moving my weights so they’re in my eyeline, putting my running shoes in a similar place, and my cold swim gear in the car so it’s ready to go for a dip whenever I am.

I find it really easy to forgot the little positive consistent steps I take every day and so marking them off on my tracker reminds me. I did also have a jar for a few weeks that I would put a coffee bean into for each habit ticked off each day but keeping that up felt like a chore and it wasn’t accurate, and I couldn’t see the break down. Now I can do all of those things and it’s helped me make tweaks and improvements.

As we start the second quarter of the year it’s a good time to reflect on your goals, and consider your habits and how they’re helping you move towards them. Is there anything you want to tweak or improve? Are they working for your personality type or do you need to make some changes? Sometimes a bit of reflection and course correction is all that’s needed to get you back on track.

Personality tests, and why they’re useful in building resilience

I’ve done quite a few personality tests over the years, either as part of a job or out of interest when I’ve come across a new one. It’s always interesting to read the findings and the suggestions that come with them. It’s a good structured way of understanding yourself better and in the context of other people that you know too. Annoyingly, knowing you are as you are doesn’t magically make you better, in fact sometimes a personality test can feel quite frustrating as it points out the things you find challenging, and doesn’t give you a way to solve those challenges. But understanding yourself and others better is useful. It shows us we’re not all the same and have different motivators and values, so if you’re finding someone difficult to deal with it can be helpful when you reflect on your approach and consider different or more appropriate options. Knowing what works for you can help you achieve your goals too, and setting them in that context will make you more likely to achieve them. I’ll share an example on this later.

There are lots of different personality test options but two that I really like are Insights, and the Four Tendencies. Insights is a good one to do in a corporate setting, and ultimately there are four colours, red yellow blue and green, and everyone fits broadly into one colour and then has a second, third, fourth, in order of their personality. I’m oversimplifying on purpose but if you want more information go and have a look https://www.insights.com.

There are sub categories depending on your responses and a wheel that has all of these on, which you can put on the floor and can physically stand behind your colour and particular bit of pie with everyone else on theirs, and see clearly what colour everyone else is; and most importantly who your opposites are. The last time I did this, the person I was finding most difficult to work with was exactly opposite me. My colour in insights is sunshine yellow, I’m upbeat and optimistic and sociable and enthusiastic. Also scatty and hasty, apparently! What I’m not is considered and thoughtful and logical with attention to detail and a data focus. That was the cool blue that was my opposite and my fourth colour, I had barely any blue at all in my assessment and only then because I can do those things if I really need to.

What I love about doing something like insights is that whilst you might know you’re struggling to get on someone’s wavelength, actually doing an exercise like this means it really resonates when you better understand yourself and them, and you can work out how to adapt your style to meet them where they’re at. You don’t even need the other person to know you’ve done the exercise: whenever I do personality tests and the different descriptions come up, I can usually think of someone that’s exactly like that!

The other personality test I like is the four tendencies. This was created by Gretchen Rubin and you can do it for free, you just need to use your email address to get your results. And it only takes a couple of minutes which is an added bonus. This is a good one to do on your own, and once you know your tendency you can then look at the others and see who you think would be in those categories. There’s an upholder, obliger, questioner, and rebel. Bonus points for guessing which one I am!

I’ve taken this from the website as I think it’s worded in a really clear way and I don’t think it’s possible to simplify it!

• Upholders respond readily to outer and inner expectations—“Discipline is my freedom”

• Questioners question all expectations; they’ll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense; essentially, they make all expectations into inner expectations—“I’ll comply—if you convince me why”

• Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves—“You can count on me; and I’m counting on you to count on me”

• Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike—“You can’t make me, and neither can I”

If you’re interested, I’m a Rebel. Which is a bit frustrating (!) if you look at the description you’ll see that accountability to either myself or others doesn’t help me get things done! Fortunately I know myself well enough now to know how to get things done but it’s taken a long time to get to this point.

The great thing about the different personality tests is that whilst there may be some overlap, ultimately they’re all quite nuanced and pick out different areas of focus, so doing more than one arms you with extra information. It’s helpful if it’s memorable too, so I find the names like cool blue or obliger really illustrative when I’m thinking about where someone sits in terms of their personality.

Having a toolkit that includes knowledge of the different personality types can help you be more resilient because it increases your self awareness so you can reflect on a situation in the context of different frameworks, and think about your strengths and weaknesses. If you want to go a step further I’d suggest a strengths finder, the one I’ve used is called Clifton Strengths and you can access from the Gallup book Strengths Finder 2.0. which currently costs £27 on Amazon.  The quiz can take up to an hour (and it’s more questions to answer!), but the results focus on your strengths (it’s much broader than personality types) and how to maximise them. It’s a really positive way to assess what you’re good at and think about how this can help you.

Getting on with people and being able to work with others are key skills in life, and problems with other people are often a factor in reduced resilience, so it’s worth taking the time to know yourself and others better and build your toolkit for both work and life.

Dress Rehearsals

One of the best ways to set you up for success when you’re doing something new and important is to do a practice run beforehand. It might not always be possible to do everything exactly as planned but without a real run through, with equipment and all, you’ve got no way of knowing what might go wrong and so no way of preventing issues if you don’t have the practice.

If what you’re doing is important then a dress rehearsal is always a good idea. We had a couple of them last month for one of the kids food GCSE practical, he’d made all of the dishes individually over the previous year but hadn’t cooked them all together and ran through the order and timings. The first dress rehearsal was done a few days ahead of the practical and it picked up a few issues, including a missed step, a mix up between dishes, and a couple of tweaks that would make it better next time. There was time for another dress rehearsal and whilst doing it all again was a bit of a chore, it went much better and gave him confidence on the day. There was stil one thing that had fallen through the net, apparently he had to make his own ricotta rather than use a tub from the shop! I really enjoy faffing about in the kitchen but even I think that’s a step too far!

Dress rehearsals are also helpful in a work setting, particularly if you’ve got something coming up that’s important and that you want to go well. A practice run through helps you work out where the potential problems are and gives you the opportunity to prevent them. Especially if you’re working with equipment, there really is nothing worse than not being able to get the technology working when you’ve got people taking time out of their day. I always think it should be easier than it is, but I know from experience that getting in and practising the set up will be worth the effort to make sure it runs smoothly on the day.

Next time you’ve got something important coming up, consider whether a dress rehearsal would help make sure you’re confident and competent for the real thing, and if it would, book it in. It will be time well spent doing something proactive and productive.

Tenacity

Tenacity is the ability to keep going, even in the face of challenges and set backs, until a goal is reached. Another description (which I like better) is persistent determination.

When we set goals, or have something we want to achieve, often we see it as a straight like to the end, like it’s a 100m sprint that we just hurtle through and achieve. Whether that’s because we want it to be easy or we really want to achieve it, it doesn’t matter.

Most of the time the reality will not be a flat straight running track with perfect conditions. Most of the time, we are striving to achieve something we know will be challenging for us. Worthwhile goals are not typically easily attainable. I mean, fantastic if it is easy! But also maybe check you haven’t set the bar too low if that’s the case.

Tenacity is important because those things you want to achieve are often on the other side of a mountain, through an obstacle course, several hurdles, and past a few krypton factor style challenges.

If you know what you want (and more importantly why you want it) then it’s easier to keep yourself motivated through the challenges, the long days, the inevitable failures along the way.

Tenacity is the thing that will get you over the line though. Being determined to achieve the goal, being persistently determined, despite what is thrown at you on the way. Tenacity means you won’t give up.

It’s much easier to have tenacity if you’re not tired, so making sure you’re well rested will help you achieve your goals. And rest means both sleeping well, but also taking time out to do more restful things and not overworking. That’s counterproductive as it will lessen your perspective and ultimately lead to burnout.

It’s much easier to have tenacity if you feel well, so look after your health. Go for the check ups. Take time off if you’re ill. Prioritise your health because without it, you’ll need even more tenacity to achieve your goals.

It’s much easier to have tenacity if you’ve got a great network of friends and allies to support you. This doesn’t happen by accident, you need to curate your network. Be a friend, and be an ally. Make time for people in different aspects of your life, and build relationships with them so they know they can rely on you and vice versa. And most importantly , lean on these friends and allies when you need them. Even if you prefer to be independent and not show any weakness. They’ll be more likely to lean back when they need help too.

It’s much easier to have tenacity if you’re looking after yourself. Being resilient enables you to be more tenacious. Which means you’re more likely to achieve your goals. So yes, absolutely strive to achieve your goals, but not at the expense of your health or welllbeing. Working all the time at the expense of a social life and spending time on your hobbies is not only counter productive it’s a one way street to burnout.

Goals

How to work out what you want when all you know is what you don’t want.

When I went on one of my first coaching training days, one of the exercises was to set some goals. Anything is possible was the assignment, and we were split into pairs. The girl I was with was ready to go, and without skipping a beat she had it all planned out. Second home, pillar of the community, busy social life and a lot of luxury added to each of those. It sounded amazing.

Mine, on the other hand? Not so good. Best I could come up with was a holiday home somewhere warm! At the time I had two small children and a demanding job and I was tired all the time, and everything that had brought me joy had been relegated to a time when life was easier. And so I’d forgotten what life could be like, I was just trying my best to get through each day. And I knew what I didn’t want, but wasn’t sure how to turn that into something I did. Since then I’ve met a lot of women who are in a similar boat.

Over the years I’ve learned a few ways to help with working out what you want, so if you’re feeling the same you can try one or two of these and see if it helps.

My favourite way to start this is one I call Ideal Day. Basically get a pen and paper and write down your ideal day from start to finish. Who are you with, what are you doing, where are you, how do you feel, how do you look. One good thing that came out of the pandemic for me personally was that working from home became the norm and it was one of the points on my ideal day. Another was spending more time with the kids and it helped with that one too. The pandemic had a lot of downsides but this exercise I’d done helped me to find upsides too, and to test out my ideal day. The biggest limitation with this exercise though is that you don’t often stray far from where your day already is, so it might not allow you to think big, and you could find yourself coming up with a better version rather than a best version, so bear that in mind.

That brings me nicely on to the next exercise which helps you to think anything is possible! This one is called the Magic Wand. Pretty straightforward but what would you do if you had a magic wand. Starting with a blank sheet of paper can be a bit daunting, so if you take your ideal day writing and work though it, you can ask yourself what you would do differently if you had a magic wand. Maybe you’ve said you’d go for a walk in the park.  You might look at this and say with a magic wand you’d want to go for a walk on the beach somewhere hot, or in a rainforest, or in Costa Rica! Expand what’s possible to help you develop your ideas and goals.

Another method to use when you’re thinking of what you want is to use opposites. So think of what you don’t want and then what’s the opposite of that. You don’t want a long commute? You do want your workplace to be close to your home or easy to reach and a pleasant journey away. You don’t want long working hours? You do want a shorter working day with set hours that you can leave behind without feeling guilty when you’re finished. It isn’t always completely opposite as you can see from the examples but it’s a great way to help determine what’s important to you.

When we were children we often had a much simpler view of the world and there were things we really enjoyed and were good at. I’d put rollerskating on that list as my favourite thing to do as a ten year old! There are often clues in what we found enjoyable as a child, and often in what we wanted to be when we grew up. Yes, some of that might have been naivety or undue influence but looking back to what you wanted to do can help shape where you want to go. Take some time to think back to what you wanted then and see how if fits now. Maybe your dreams of working in a shop have moved on, but maybe you have a great eye for detail and sourcing and selling products in an online store might be the new updated version of that.

When you have a list of the things that you want, then one good last sense check is to make sure they fit with your values. A holiday house abroad that’s a flight away will be of little use if you value sustainability and it’s important to minimise your carbon footprint. That’s an extreme example but it’s also easy to get swept up in the inspiration so just adding that view is helpful. Think about the things most important to you and make sure that your goals are aligned.

Finally, when you’ve worked out what you want, put some timescales on it. When do you want it by? A goal without a timescale is just a dream. You need the deadline to help you focus and move forward.

Is it necessary?

I saw an interesting take this week that workplace stress management, wellbeing and resilience shouldn’t be necessary, that’s to say that the workplace or organisation should prevent the need for those things by making fundamental changes to be better for employees proactively.

Now I agree with this to a certain extent. Employers have a responsibility to ensure that their workplace is a positive and healthy environment and one of the focuses in recent years is psychological safety, which means that employees feel it’s safe to share ideas, concerns and feedback, and speak up without fear of retribution or embarrassment. Creating this kind of environment, particularly throughout large organisations, can be a challenge because it relies on everyone understanding it and behaving in a supportive way. The goal is worthy despite the implementation challenges because of the impact that not feeling psychologically safe has. Unfortunately telling someone that it’s safe is different to them feeling that it’s safe and that really depends on their experience and the culture of the organisation.

Past experiences are important in this situation, because anyone who has experienced bullying or conflict in a workplace, particularly with someone more senior, will take this experience and the personal impact it had with them throughout their career.

Similarly, even if a workplace is doing everything extremely well and employees feel they can do their best work and be fully supported, we don’t always know what’s going on in their personal lives. Great workplaces and organisations have supportive policies for major life events, but even these can depend on how they are executed and of course they also rely on the employee being open about their out of work struggles.

A really good example of this would be financial insecurity (not being able to meet financial commitments or a perception that they won’t be met) which is one of the major risk factors for mental illness. Often a workplace would know nothing about this, but conversely for the employee, holding on to their job and a regular salary becomes much more important, and therefore workplace issues are easily magnified .

So, if you create the most amazing and supportive place to work, it stands to reason you would enhance that by providing colleagues with opportunities to focus on their wellbeing, manage their stress, and build their resilience . These things go hand in hand, creating an environment where colleagues can thrive.

Where I don’t think these interventions have a place is a sticking plaster for an organisation that wants to get more out of colleagues and where these interventions are put in place to offset the impact of a higher workload and more stress. If you want to get more out of people, make them feel safe, valued and recognised and understand what motivates them. Yes it takes more time, but the outcome is better all round.

Employers aren’t on the hook for providing stress management, wellbeing initiatives, and resilience training, but unless you’re really confident that your colleagues have those skills already, there is a lot to gain. Helping colleagues build their skills and prioritise their health helps them to feel better and when you feel better, you can do better.

Reflections and Intentions

The start of a new year often goes hand in hand with the reflections of the previous year and alongside that, intentions for the coming year. New Year’s resolutions are much maligned as they are often based on setting the bar really high (go big or go home!) and so creating difficult to achieve goals that most people have given up on before January is out.

Whilst resolutions aren’t ideal for this very reason, taking time to reflect on the year that’s passed and what was good about it and what you’d want to do differently if you had the chance is helpful. So often we move straight onto the next thing to do and we don’t take the time to stop and consider what we’ve learned and celebrate what we’ve achieved. It’s something I’m learning to get better at.

The end of the year naturally makes me reflective, and having some down time over the festive period is a good opportunity to think over the good (and not so good) bits of the year just gone. When I looked back at last year I know I learned a lot, both about myself and also new skills. I was lucky enough to have a great mentor who was down to earth and pragmatic. There were some quite big changes and I was flexible and adaptable which helped navigate the choppy waters. I’m also more confident in myself and my abilities than I think I’ve ever been. Whether it’s age related, or experience related, I don’t know but I do know that it feels much easier.

Which brings me to my intentions for this year. I already had some goals set which is not unusual since I’m a coach! It’s important to know where you want to go though and to see your progress on that journey. Sometimes it doesn’t work out as planned and the goals change as you get closer to them but that’s a good thing because we evolve as we make progress.

There are two things I didn’t prioritise last year that I want to do differently this year. The first is hobbies. I’m probably not going to say I’ll devote every Wednesday night to going to a class for example, but there are a few things I want to try once (singing lessons, cookery lessons) and some things I want to pick back up so I can dabble when I need a break. I’m deliberately setting the bar low here, it’s more about loose planning than rigid resolution so it’s hard to fail.

The second thing I want to prioritise is exercise. Bite sized small chunks of exercise is the way forward for me, so I’ve put my weights where I can see them, and then next thing is to find my running shoes and put them somewhere I can see them too. Rome wasn’t built in a day! Seriously, I was thinking of a half marathon but it feels too much like a commitment that I’ll end up regretting and the pressure will put me off, so I’d rather have the option to run when I want and see how it goes and sign up at the last minute. That’s the plan.

It’s not too late to do your reflections and intentions now, whatever the time of the year it’s worth looking back and thinking about what changes you want to make. Just don’t put yourself under pressure to achieve perfection, remember that little bits of progress add up to giant leaps if you do them consistently.

Failing

Failure as a concept is much celebrated at the moment, on the basis that firstly if you’re not failing then you’re probably not pushing yourself out of your comfort zone enough and may be held back by fear, and secondly, that if you’re not failing then you’re not learning. Everything going well for you isn’t really very character building.

It’s interesting though, because the thing we don’t hear about often when this narrative comes up is that failure is bloody hard. We’re wired to want to make progress and achieve success and failure is the opposite of that. It doesn’t feel good at all. I mean, it would be great if we could all take the emotion out of events that happen and stand back and say well I failed and learned from that and move on, but life isn’t like that.

We’re wired to be part of a tribe and failure can feel like rejection. Which can feel really big emotionally because we still have that inherent need to fit in, to be connected and part of a community. It could be a team at work, or a group of friends. Feeling like we’re no longer part of that group can raise strong emotions that feel hard.

But when we hear about failure is it about the downsides? No, I don’t think so, its more about positive mindset and drawing a line under the experience and moving on. And whilst I’m a huge fan of a positive mindset, when you’re going through failure, whether you’ve made a mistake or not managed to achieve something you set out to do, no amount of positive mindset inspiration is going to make you feel better.

The downside of failure is sitting with it and having those feelings that are unpleasant. And you do need to feel it and process it, and in doing that it will likely both bring your mood down and chip away at your self esteem. Neither of these are good things in the  longer term so you need to work out how and when you draw a line under the situation. That will often depend on the repercussions of the failure, if there’s financial consequences for example.

So what can you do to help you bounce back from failure quickly? Well step number one is to create a plan, ideally with options. One way to do that is “If…Then” thinking. So list all of the things that could happen and if they do, then work out what you could do. Often having written down what might happen you can put into perspective any catastrophising you’re doing. What seems a possibility in your head is filtered to help you see how extreme it is when you put it on paper in black and white. Putting a plan down next to each of these helps you to work out the different options available to you and usually to also realise that if the worst case happens, at least you know what you’d do.

Step number two is to focus on stress management. Failure is stressful and stress, while helpful in some situations, can often lead to poor sleep, impacting wellbeing, and poor choices and decision making. Exercise is your number one ally when it comes to stress, but do whatever works best for you. If you feel like you need to work off nervous energy with a run or some cardio, great. If you feel you need to calm with some yoga or a walk in nature will help, do those things.

Step number three is find an alternative focus, a distraction. Often when we feel like we’ve failed we can ruminate on it and overthink and dwell. None of those things are useful beyond the planning you’ve done in step one and so this is where distraction comes in. A hobby or something that gets you in the flow is a really good way to move on from something that’s bothering you. If you can put your mind to learning something new or tackling a challenge, before long the feeling of failure will be replaced by achievement as you pick up something you’ve worked on. Spending time focused on something different will govern you more perspective too.

The last suggestion I have is to look back on times when you’ve failed that have led to something better. Maybe not getting a particular job paved the way for you to try for a different and better one. Maybe the lessons you’ve learned from a failure have set you on a different life path and helped you make choices that have turned your life around for the better.

There is no benefit in looking back and being ashamed of your failures, because feeling bad rarely helps us get to where we want to be. But if you can look back at your failures and see how they were stepping stones to the things you’ve achieved then maybe you might be more inclined to try and fail in future, and to be okay with that. It’s the story you tell yourself that makes the difference, so tell yourself a better story about failure

It’s the most wonderful time of the year

I’m a huge fan of Christmas. The pretty lights in a dark cold month, the festive get togethers with friends and family, the steady stream of chocolates and snacks. But it can be a lot, and it’s very easy to overstretch ourselves mentally, physically and financially at this time of year, and come out the other side of it in January feeling worse all round.

Now that my kids are older the present buying situation is different. They know how it works and in place of a nice letter to Santa, this year they sent links digitally direct to my phone to make really sure I bought the right things!

Over the years I’ve slimmed down the list of people I buy for and it’s now a small and manageable group. The mental load that comes with having to think about what to get and for whom reduces when you take people off the list, and it reduces for them too. With some we’ve agreed to just buy the kids. With others we’ve agreed to go for a meal in February which is typically a slow month. With another we’ve bought ourselves a ticket to an event in April so we know we’re both going and that’s our gift and we’ve done it a few years in a row now. From a sustainability perspective gifts that we want or need tick more boxes than surprises that we never use.

The fewer gifts you buy, the fewer you have to source, wrap, and deliver so having the conversation to suggest a change is well worth it. Maybe a little late for this year but it’s worth checking and you could agree for next year if it is. This isn’t being grinchy, it’s just taking stock of where you are and considering if a different approach could be better all round.

Another change I made this year that I’m going to carry forward is one that happened by accident, and that’s to spread all the Christmas celebrations out rather than have them all in the last couple of weeks of December. In fact, mine started mid November and whilst that was due to availability really it worked out very well. Buying a secret Santa before the big present rush meant more time to think about it and get the right gift. I’m a fan of wish lists for secret Santa too, especially if you’re buying for someone you dont know well. So it there’s an option to add something you want, do it!

Back to spreading out the Christmas cheer though. By starting early and dotting your celebrations around you can make sure you have some down time and restful weekends. I happily had no plans for this weekend and so I’ve done a bit of impromptu shopping, watched a Christmas film or three, wrapped some presents and read a book. I’m feeling both more organised and more rested as a result. Building in downtime to recharge your batteries will help you enjoy the festive season and if you’re not worn out and run down you’re less likely to pick up the various seasonal lurgies too.

Financially Christmas can be a challenging time and one when it’s easy to overspend. I’m not the best at making sure I budget and stick to it but a few things that work. Firstly, a Christmas savings club is something that I’ve done before and think ill start up again. Putting aside a bit of money each month so you have a lump sum to work with in December makes it much easier. I know people who do this every year and I always wish I had too, so one for next year.

I tend to start my shopping early and put things away as I see them. The trick with this though is to make a note of all the things you’ve bought and for whom. I used to have a Christmas spreadsheet that I would add too each year so it kept a track of what I’d bought previously and anything I’d picked up early. Now I’ve reduced my buying list down I didn’t think I needed to but then I’ve just wrapped up gifts for my nieces and well, I may have gone overboard. Okay, I definitely have!

Going back to the sustainability point, I am a big fan of vinted for both gifts and clothing. I know what brands and styles suit me and so if I’m looking for something specific (I really wanted a velvet dress this year) then I can search the options and see what’s available and I’ve just found a dress that’s still got the tags on that is probably half the cost of the full price version. I love a bargain and for me, vinted is like finding a gem in a charity shop without all the rummaging.

If you look at social media you’d be forgiven for thinking everyone else is having a wonderful time, but don’t forget that you only see the bits that they want to show you. No one is putting on pictures of them cleaning the carpets before putting the tree up or feeling hungover after a big night out and having to get up with the kids the next morning. If seeing what everyone else is doing makes you feel inadequate then stop looking. It’s as simple as that. Just take a social media break for a few days.

Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect. People aren’t perfect, families are not perfect, and you don’t need to all have matching pyjamas and for every minute to feel magical. Spend the time with the people you love and make them your priority. No one will notice if the house isn’t sparkling clean and if they do, who cares. No one will remember you didn’t bother with sprouts this year. Make it as relaxing for yourself as you can, take short cuts, delegate at every opportunity, and make sure you come out the other side feeling well and rested and content

Boundaries

A boundary is a line you set that determines what is acceptable and what’s not. It’s personal to you, and you control the setting of your boundaries, in terms of both what they are, and where that line is. It’s different for everyone and will depend on your values, experiences, and ultimately what is important to you.

Some examples of boundaries are work boundaries, for example not checking emails on an evening or when you are on holiday. You can have financial boundaries for example limiting the amount of money you are prepared to spend on something, or a set of guidelines about how you deal with financial arrangements such as lending money to friends or sharing money. You might also have boundaries around how much time you spend with certain people or how you interact with them.

Boundaries are a helpful way of setting your personal limits specific to what is important to you and help you communicate your needs and protect your wellbeing.

If you’re a people pleaser, you might struggle to set boundaries because you don’t want to rock the boat. You’ll likely find it harder than others to hold your boundaries because you’re more likely to remove them yourself at the first sign you’re inconveniencing someone. If that could be you, taking the time to consider what is important to you and why before you set boundaries can really help. If you believe in them and they’re very important to you and you know why that is, you are more likely to hold them.

Setting boundaries is a skill that improves with practice so if it’s something you want to improve then start small and set your limit and communicate it. Once you’ve done it once you’ll feel more confident about doing it again.

A fairly easy work boundary to set is around lunchtime. You might normally grab something on the go and keep working, but actually want to take a break over lunch and get out for a walk. So your boundary might be that you always have a break and get out for some fresh air. You close your computer and step away from it. You don’t take work calls during that time.

Once you’ve decided that’s your boundary, you then need to communicate it. You might block the time out and show as busy or out of office. That’s one way of communicating that you’re not available. You might want to tell your colleagues you’ve decided you need a proper lunch break and so you won’t be available at that time from now on.

When you’re communicating your boundaries, you don’t need to give a reason. You might want to, in certain circumstances but be mindful that it might make you feel like you’re trying to justify your boundary and you don’t need to do that. A lunch break for example is not unreasonable.

Boundaries are a way of putting your needs first and protecting yourself and your wellbeing. When you’ve successfully set and communicated one, start to think about what else is important to you and build on that and put more in place if they will help.

Maybe you have a friend that calls anytime day or night and you need to set a boundary that on weekends you’d appreciate if they didn’t call before 10am as you’ll be enjoying a lie in. Maybe you have a friend that borrows your belongings and doesn’t return them. These are all boundaries you can set that will communicate your expectations upfront and make things easier down the line.

I’d love to hear what boundaries you have in place and whether you plan to set some, so let me know in the comments.