Failure as a concept is much celebrated at the moment, on the basis that firstly if you’re not failing then you’re probably not pushing yourself out of your comfort zone enough and may be held back by fear, and secondly, that if you’re not failing then you’re not learning. Everything going well for you isn’t really very character building.
It’s interesting though, because the thing we don’t hear about often when this narrative comes up is that failure is bloody hard. We’re wired to want to make progress and achieve success and failure is the opposite of that. It doesn’t feel good at all. I mean, it would be great if we could all take the emotion out of events that happen and stand back and say well I failed and learned from that and move on, but life isn’t like that.
We’re wired to be part of a tribe and failure can feel like rejection. Which can feel really big emotionally because we still have that inherent need to fit in, to be connected and part of a community. It could be a team at work, or a group of friends. Feeling like we’re no longer part of that group can raise strong emotions that feel hard.
But when we hear about failure is it about the downsides? No, I don’t think so, its more about positive mindset and drawing a line under the experience and moving on. And whilst I’m a huge fan of a positive mindset, when you’re going through failure, whether you’ve made a mistake or not managed to achieve something you set out to do, no amount of positive mindset inspiration is going to make you feel better.
The downside of failure is sitting with it and having those feelings that are unpleasant. And you do need to feel it and process it, and in doing that it will likely both bring your mood down and chip away at your self esteem. Neither of these are good things in the longer term so you need to work out how and when you draw a line under the situation. That will often depend on the repercussions of the failure, if there’s financial consequences for example.
So what can you do to help you bounce back from failure quickly? Well step number one is to create a plan, ideally with options. One way to do that is “If…Then” thinking. So list all of the things that could happen and if they do, then work out what you could do. Often having written down what might happen you can put into perspective any catastrophising you’re doing. What seems a possibility in your head is filtered to help you see how extreme it is when you put it on paper in black and white. Putting a plan down next to each of these helps you to work out the different options available to you and usually to also realise that if the worst case happens, at least you know what you’d do.
Step number two is to focus on stress management. Failure is stressful and stress, while helpful in some situations, can often lead to poor sleep, impacting wellbeing, and poor choices and decision making. Exercise is your number one ally when it comes to stress, but do whatever works best for you. If you feel like you need to work off nervous energy with a run or some cardio, great. If you feel you need to calm with some yoga or a walk in nature will help, do those things.
Step number three is find an alternative focus, a distraction. Often when we feel like we’ve failed we can ruminate on it and overthink and dwell. None of those things are useful beyond the planning you’ve done in step one and so this is where distraction comes in. A hobby or something that gets you in the flow is a really good way to move on from something that’s bothering you. If you can put your mind to learning something new or tackling a challenge, before long the feeling of failure will be replaced by achievement as you pick up something you’ve worked on. Spending time focused on something different will govern you more perspective too.
The last suggestion I have is to look back on times when you’ve failed that have led to something better. Maybe not getting a particular job paved the way for you to try for a different and better one. Maybe the lessons you’ve learned from a failure have set you on a different life path and helped you make choices that have turned your life around for the better.
There is no benefit in looking back and being ashamed of your failures, because feeling bad rarely helps us get to where we want to be. But if you can look back at your failures and see how they were stepping stones to the things you’ve achieved then maybe you might be more inclined to try and fail in future, and to be okay with that. It’s the story you tell yourself that makes the difference, so tell yourself a better story about failure