Feeling (and being) connected is fundamentally important to humans. We’ve survived for years as groups or tribes, as a collective which is greater than the sum of its parts. And yet in modern times, the importance of this has been completely underestimated. Only a few decades ago, people for the most part stayed in their communities, lived close to family and friends, and by default had a deep connected social and support network. More recently, it’s become common to leave those communities in search of jobs and careers and set up life somewhere far away from that support, and it’s often not until there’s a crisis that the isolation is truly felt, at which point there’s not many options providing immediate help.
When I was running a workshop recently, we talked about Loneliness. Eating alone is one of the biggest indicators of loneliness and according to a survey by Sainsbury’s Living Well Index (in partnership with Oxford Economics and the National Research Centre) eating meals alone is more strongly associated with unhappiness than any single factor other than having a mental illness. We can’t always make sure we eat with others, I know that in my house it’s almost impossible to get everyone together at the same time due to work, school, college and sports commitments, but I make a concerted effort to coordinate schedules so we manage to all eat together at least once a week. Think about how often you eat with others, and work out what you can do to increase it as even small changes will make a difference.
When we talk about friends, we often use it as a broad brush term that covers people we’ve known all of our life to acquaintances we’ve met once or twice, so I think it’s important to break them down into subsets when we think in terms of resilience. The most important friends to have are the friends who you could call anytime, night or day, and know you can rely on them to help you out. These are your SOS friends. You might not see them regularly, because life gets in the way, but you know if the sh*t hits the fan that they’ll be there and have your back. According to the Telegraph less than 3% of your Facebook friends would fall into the category of friends you could turn to. This number is falling in the western world, with some people recently not being able to name even one person they could turn to in a crisis. Everyone needs as a minimum one person, but ideally more than that. We’re social beings and so this is your reminder to prioritise friendships and building deeper relationships. Make plans. Make suggestions. Learn something together. Make a concerted effort to put yourself out there, even when you don’t feel like it. Especially when you don’t feel like it, because that’s when you need your SOS friends the most.
Let’s talk social media friends now. I put these in the category of casual acquaintances, but social media can be tricky. You might know the intricacies of these friends lives, or certainly feel like you do! We need to remember though that what we see is what they want us to see. The show reel of their life rather than the nitty gritty reality. I’m sat writing this in my bedroom, which is currently a mess with piles of clothes on the floor and shopping bags that need sorting and a case half packed and clutter everywhere. Would I share this picture of me working on my socials? No thank you. Are there pictures of me on my social media working in a lovely space, wearing a nice outfit and make up? Absolutely! Social media can be a useful way to stay connected but it doesn’t replace real life friends and time together in person. Having a big number of social media friends won’t make you more resilient.
The next subset of friends I want to mention are Good Friends. These are people that you enjoy being with, make you feel good about yourself, and you’ve got a shared history. Yes you might not feel you could call them at 4am in a crisis, but you’d tell them about your problems and want to help them with theirs too. You might not see them all the time but you know that when you catch up it will be like you’ve never been apart. These friendships are good for the soul, keep nurturing them and don’t let it go too long between actual conversations or face to face time. Maintaining these friendships is good for your resilience, but you need to actively keep them going. When we go through challenging times, friendships like these are one of things we stop making time for and that chips away at our resilience instead of topping it up. If you find yourself doing that, make time to connect, even if it’s a short phone call, it will help.
The next group I’m going to talk about are in the category I would call mates. Usually in your wider network, these are nice connections to have. A word of warning though, they’re usually quite shallow connections and spending too much time with this group can make you feel like you’re missing the deeper connections of good friends. Mates are for fun times, inspiration, and exposure to new ideas. If you’re going through challenging times, a little time spent with mates can be a useful distraction but if time is precious spend it with your SOS and Good Friends instead.
Work friends are another subset, and an interesting one. Often work friends are friends you wouldn’t have picked but because of time spent together you’ve got closer. Two questions to ask yourself about work friends are do I spend time outside of work with them, and would I still be friends with them if I moved jobs and worked elsewhere? I’ve found some unexpected friends from work who I’ve stayed in touch with over the years despite job moves and such like. Similarly I’ve had friendships that have moved on with changes. Both are helpful for your resilience and good allies to have but those that you’ll stay in touch with are where to invest your time and effort.
The last subset is right time right place friends, for the here and now. Often these people come into your life when you need them and fulfil a specific purpose. Maybe you’ve both just come out of a long term relationship and you provide emotional support and company for each other. Maybe you’re going through a hard time at work and someone who has been there and got the tshirt recognises it and wants to help you through it.
I’m not even going to touch on toxic friends because I’m pretty sure you know that anyone you’d describe as toxic isn’t a friend, and definitely won’t make you feel more resilient. Focus on the people that make you feel good, and you can’t go far wrong.