Dealing with self-doubt

I learnt an energy clearing exercise a couple of weeks ago as part of a month-long course I was doing. We had to set our intention for the week ahead (which is something I usually do anyway) but we also had to list five things that we were not available for.

It was coming off the back of a challenging couple of weeks and so I was ready with my list of things I wasn’t available for! At the top of the list I put drama, as it’s easy to get sucked into but honestly, I’m not here for it, I have neither the time or the energy and I find it does make me feel negative and pessimistic. So that was an easy one to put to the top.

I added negativity for the same reason, we can all find problems and moan about them, but it’s rarely helpful (maybe occasionally for shared experience and bonding) but positivity is important to me and I value it highly.

The one I want to talk about today though is the third one on my list which is self doubt. I’m not available for any of that at the moment either. But it does and has cropped up, and when we go through challenging or difficult times, times of change or adjustment, we can often find ourselves doubting our abilities. And trying to do anything from that place is such a challenge, because when we doubt ourselves we don’t come across as confident and in control and capable. It can make other people doubt our abilities too, which can cause a downward spiral.

A few years ago I worked with a hypnotherapist to help me with stress management and weight loss. He was very good and had a range of techniques but one of them stood out and has stayed with me since and it’s about our inner critic. He explained how we’ve developed that critical voice in our head, how it’s trying to keep us safe and not take any risks by telling us the worst things we might hear from other people. I imagined it a bit like the devil on one shoulder, knowing all my past experiences and issues and ready to point out what I’d done wrong and how useless I was, and how I shouldn’t even try.

I’m mid forties now and I’ve made so many mistakes I stopped counting a long time ago. But our subconscious keeps a record and makes sure that negative inner voice pops up and those embarrassing moments that flash into our minds from years ago keep coming to the surface.

For people that have been criticised a lot over the years because they didn’t fit in, didn’t do things in the way most other people did, or didn’t live up to the high standards of a critical parent, the voice of the inner critic can be overpowering. If you had encouraging and supportive parents, it might be a little quieter. If you are a parent, you might want to reflect on which of the above you are…I realised I had a tendency towards critical and have tried very hard to turn that around.

According to ADDitude Magazine, leading ADHD experts estimate that by age 10, children with ADHD receive 20,000 more negative messages – from parents, peers, or otherwise – than they do positive messages. Adults and children with ADHD often report lower self-esteem than neurotypical peers – particularly if the ADHD was undiagnosed or left untreated.

Given the number of women who are now being diagnosed with ADHD later in life the impact of this could be significant. That’s a lot of negative messages.

So, if we have that loud inner critic, the self doubt and the lower self esteem, how do we deal with all of these things so they don’t get in our way, don’t stop us achieving our potential, and don’t hold us back?

The first thing is just knowing it. Listening for your inner critic. Knowing you’re feeling that self doubt and you’re lacking in confidence and self esteem. Recognising it is a great start.

The second thing is you have to be careful how you talk to yourself because you are listening. Don’t even joke that you’re stupid or lazy or a rubbish driver, or anything else you don’t want to be, because your brain registers you saying those things, and it’s paying attention!

Replace the things you say about yourself with positive, affirming statements instead. You’re not stupid, you’re learning and you’ll make mistakes along the way because that’s how you learn. You’re not lazy, you’re tired because you haven’t taken time to rest and you’re doing that now. If you want to really catch your own attention, say these aloud to yourself along with your name. “Lisa you are tired and you’re now taking some time to rest”. “Lisa you’re learning and mistakes are normal”. When it hears your name the brain interprets it as information coming from someone else, which is powerful as it contrasts with your internal thoughts and challenges them.

The third suggestion I would make to reduce both self doubt and self esteem is to keep a record of your achievements. A bit like the folders we used to have at school if you are of a certain age, it was an A4 padded book with space to keep certificates, reports, glowing feedback or similar. Mine was a gloomy burgundy colour and I still have it, 30 years on, although it doesn’t see the light of day often.

I know that when it comes to things I’ve done that deserve celebrating, I’ve probably forgotten about them and moved onto the next thing within a few days, and I don’t think I’m the only person like that. We don’t stop and bask in the glory, we do the very British thing of saying it’s no big deal and then we pick up the next challenge on the list.

But we need to remind ourselves of all the great things we’ve done. When we made the brave but scary choice to have laser eye surgery. When we took the leap and resigned from a good job in the hope of finding something better. When we finished a long hard and painful marathon. All of those are mine, but sometimes I forget I’m the person that did all of those things, and I need reminders. My marathon time sign is one of them, it lives on my desk to remind me it can be a slog but I will keep going because I’m bloody stubborn.

Put reminders of your successes where you’ll see them, exactly like that. Or write a list of your successes and keep adding to it, on paper or on your phone, or take a picture of it and set as your wallpaper so you have that regular reminder.

Next time your inner critic pipes up with something unhelpful, just thank them for doing their job and trying to keep you safe, tell them you’re okay and you’ve got this, find some evidence you’re more than capable and then go and do it. Because you’re not available for self doubt this week, or any week.

No.

Saying “no” is in response to a question from someone else. That’s a really important distinction to make here.

When someone else asks you to do something, it is their agenda, not yours.

What’s being asked might be to support a good cause, maybe for charity or for your child’s school, so it’s not completely someone else’s agenda, but similarly it’s also not yours.

We have a finite amount of energy, money, and time. If we say yes to everything else that someone else wants us to do, we are using those precious resources on someone else’s priorities. Not on our own.

I think we say yes to some things because we worry about getting FOMO. Nobody likes to feel like they’ve missed out!

We say yes to others out of duty sometimes, like we “should” help with the fundraising, we should show our face there, and other times out of fear of judgement, that if we don’t say yes it will look bad or we will seem difficult.

We often don’t realise how frequently we’re asked to make plans / pick something up / do someone a favour, so look out for it now and see if you notice it.

Taking the time to actively plan your own future, think about what you want, and how you’d like to spend your time, money and energy is really important. When you can see where you are going, and plan that out, there’s less time to accommodate everyone else’s priorities. If you don’t have a vision board and a set of goals and intentions that’s okay; you don’t need to formalise them, you just need to know where you want to go and who you want to be, so you can use that in your decision making.

The next time someone asks you to do something, ask yourself these questions:

1. Is this something I already wanted to do but haven’t yet scheduled?

2. Do I have the time, energy and money to do this without impacting my other priorities?

3. Do I really want to do this?

If the answers are all yes, then say yes!

If the answer to number one is no, say yes.

If the answer to number two or three is no, say no.

And when I say no, I mean just that. No. You don’t need to apologise, or explain, you can just say no.

If that makes you feel like you’ll come across as rude, soften it as you see fit. “No thanks, but appreciate you thinking of me” is one way to do that without explaining.

Do you have a tendency to say yes to the things that come your way, or are you good at saying no? Let me know in the comments.

Help!

Asking for help is one of the things that resilient people do. They recognise they can’t do everything on their own and they know there is power in sharing a burden.

The issue is, when we’re in challenging times and we’re stressed and just trying to get through the day, we can accidentally isolate ourselves. We put off making plans with friends and family because we’ve just got too much on.

We think that if we just put all our effort into this issue that we have, we’ll get through it. Whether it’s excess workload, competing deadlines, a medical issue, caring responsibilities, it’s too much for us alongside everything else, and so we give up on some of the things that would help. A sign that you’re struggling is when you tell yourself that you just need to get through this.

You stop doing the things you love, the things you’d enjoy, and everything becomes focused on this one major issue. Its really difficult to see that when you’re in it though.

But think about it this way. If you knew that one of your close friends or family members was going through a tough time, would you want to help them? And If you suspected they were struggling but they didn’t tell you? How would you feel?

When we’re going through a stressful situation, we become more self centred. It’s a survival mechanism and we focus on what we need to do to keep our head above the water. When we’re thinking straight we’re more likely to ask for help. But when we’re in a negative spiral we can let feelings of shame and embarrassment stop us. We don’t want even our closest friends to know we haven’t got it all together. But really, if it was one of your close friends, would you care that they didn’t have it all together or would you want to do whatever you can to help them? I know I would want to help and I think that’s true of most people.

I’ve seen for myself that despite how busy people are, they will make time to do things for others because they want to help them feel better, and because we also feel good knowing we’ve made a difference to someone.

There is so much strength is asking for help, and seeking it out can make a huge  difference in how quickly you bounce back from adversity. There are always helpers. They might come from the most unexpected places but if you look, you’ll find them.

Managing stress and closing the stress cycle.

This is going to be a dramatic opener….stress is a killer! Yes, a little bit of stress can be a good thing, it can push us to do better than we would have otherwise, but chronic stress, the type that hangs around for weeks, months, years, is not good for us. At all. So if you’re a stressy type of person, it’s something you need to work on.

The good news is that there are things you can to reduce your stress levels and a lot of them are in your control. Firstly, stress starts in the mind. We think ourselves stressed, and we can choose to actively notice those thoughts and change them. Here’s an example. Say you’re running late and it’s making you feel stressed. Consider the impact of running late. Is it really a big deal? Is it life or death? Or even life changing? If it’s not, then just putting into words the consequences of you being late can help reduce the stress you’re feeling.

Secondly, there are things we have control over and things we don’t. So in the example about running late, one of the things we can control is being organised, prepared, knowing how long things are going to take, and even adding in a bit of contingency into the planning so that you do what you can to be on time. The flip side of that is there are things out of your control, like a road closure or accident that mean, despite your best intentions, that you’re not on time. Resilient people put their energy into the things they can control rather than the things they can’t control, so they don’t spend time worrying about the latter because it doesn’t serve anyone to do so. Focusing on the things you can control helps because it means you’re taking useful action to help things turn out right. That’s the difference. No guarantees but it’s more likely to be the outcome you want it you’re intentional about it and take action towards it.

Finally, there are things you can do to actively manage your stress levels and the good news is most of them are free and relatively easy to do. Exercise is the first that’s usually suggested and I have to agree it’s not just useful in reducing stress levels, it’s all round great for us too. But a word of caution. If you’re already feeling stressed or you’re prone to stress, finding an exercise that calms you can make a big difference. Pushing yourself too hard when you’re already stressed can have a  negative effect on you, whereas something like a gentle walk in nature or yoga might be a better option. Listen to your body and notice how you feel afterwards.

Spending time actively pursing your hobbies is another way to reduce your stress levels; getting into a flow state signals to our body that we’re safe. Other signals that help our body feel less stressed are breathing changes. Deep breathing and concentrating on your breath can help, there are breathing exercises you can do online, but also a simple breath in, hold, exhale, hold (all for a count of four) will help regulate too. It’s an easy one to try. Meditation is something that I find works for me, I do a guided meditation as I find the repetition helps me relax into it quickly and I feel much better in a short space of time (I do ten minutes).

When I’m feeling very stressed one of the things I’ve found works for me is tapping. Now I think this is a bit woo woo but ultimately it’s acupressure, so a relative of accupuncture which has been scientifically proven to work, so on that basis I don’t think it’s too crazy. Tapping is also known as EFT or emotional freedom technique. You can find guidance online for free that shows you what do but essentially you use your fingers to tap on various points around your head face and upper body. I’m not sure whether it’s the routine or doing it, or the acupressure, but it’s the one thing that has helped me in moments of intense pressure when other things didn’t so I think it’s worth a try.

There are two other things that are really effective at closing the stress cycle. The first is crying. Holding in emotions literally keeps them inside, but having a cry does get it out of your system so next time you feel upset or angry or frustrated and feel those tears, go with it.

The last thing I want to mention is my favourite way to close the stress cycle and it’s something I do regularly and which I credit with reducing my stress levels significantly and that’s cold water therapy. With a blast of a cold shower, a dip in a cold tub, or best of all a swim in the sea, the shock from the cold gives you an acute stressor and when your body adapts it closes the stress cycle for the low level ongoing stressors too. I’m my experience, there is something else you get from the swim in the sea, possibly relating to the sea water or the muscles used, or just being in nature, but it makes me feel relaxed like nothing else does, and I sleep like a log afterwards. If it’s something you want to try just make sure you do it under the right guidance and supervision, join a wild swimming group, build up slowly and always make sure you’re safe. Let me know your favourite ways to de-stress in the comments!

Knowledge isn’t useful unless we apply it

Wouldn’t life be so amazing if we could do all the things that we know are good for us! Like we know that eating fruit and veg is good for us, gives us vitamins and fibre and is better for our body than something full of sugar and fat, for example a doughnut. But do we crave a nice salad? Usually not! Do we eat the healthy options all of the time? Maybe you do, but I know I don’t always make the best choices, despite knowing what’s better for me. And it’s the same with exercise, I know it’s good for me, and I know I feel better afterwards, but do I fancy going for a nice run? No thanks. Will I make myself do it? Maybe later! That’s why knowledge is not power, because knowing the right things to do doesn’t actually mean you’ll take the right actions. So knowledge in action is actually power because there’s no power in knowing but not applying that knowledge.

But if we know what’s good for us, and we know it will make us feel good in the long run, why don’t we just do that? It’s a good question and one with a few different perspectives. Firstly, eating a salad or going for a run can be thought of as longer term rewards. On their own they don’t do much, by which I mean you won’t suddenly drop a dress size because you did either of those things. You might in a few months if you keep doing those things but we don’t see an immediate reward. Whereas the doughnut? That sweet spot of fat and sugar will give a lovely dopamine boost immediately. Although the down side is that longer term, it’s not so great for you, but it’s harder to focus on the longer term far away possibilities when the doughnut is right here right now, enticing your senses.

We also need to think about outside factors too, so for example the companies marketing the doughnut. The doughnut doesn’t just pop into your head, you walk past a picture of it, you see it on the tv, you walk past a display of them all laid out, maybe the shop has some doughnut-y smells wafting out as you pass! Because it pays to do those things, because it makes you more likely to get your money out and buy one, which ultimately makes someone somewhere more money. Money that they don’t get if you eat a salad. Don’t underestimate the force of these persuasive tactics. And it’s not just doughnuts. But you know that. But it’s also hard to ignore.

So sometimes we need tools to use to help us put into action what we know is good for us, and pass over the things that are tempting. There are a few different options but I’m going to talk about habits and pre-commitment as these are two I find very helpful.

Let’s start with habits. These are easier to form for some people than others and I fall into the latter category as I have ADHD. It doesn’t mean I can’t form habits, but I just find it hard to do repetitive and routine things. There are some habits that I pretty much always do, like brushing my teeth before bed. Then there are others that I either have visual cues for (taking medication for example, it lives on my bedside table so I see it and therefore remember) or a habit tracker that reminds me of the good habits I want to build and so I tick them off when I’ve done them each day. That’s what works for me, because without the intention or reminders and cues I would end up absorbed in something else and forget to do them. Anchoring a new habit to an old habit is also a good way of building habits, basically linking a new one to one you’ve already got. For example, if your habit is to make coffee in the morning as soon as you get up, putting your vitamins on your coffee machine or in the cupboard where the coffee cups live will remind you to take it and therefore build that habit too. One more thought on habits though…set the bar low for the habits you want to build. Stephen Guise has written some great books on habits and mini habits, and emphasises the importance of momentum in building consistency. You’ve got to make a habit easy enough to do on your hardest days.

Pre-commitment is another tool you can use and it’s one I was thinking about yesterday. I’ve not been well, had a nasty cold and fever and felt rubbish, and so I bought some biscuits. Now, I love a biscuit, they’re the ultimate comfort food for me. A Viennese, chocolate digestive or a crunch cream. Or shortbread. You get the picture! But I never buy them. Because if I do, I know I’ll eat them. And so the easiest thing is to not buy them in the first place. I can have chocolate and sweets around and won’t bother with them, but as soon as I know there are biscuits in the house and I’ve got a cuppa in my hand? I’m going to find them and dunk and demolish! Pre-commitment is not buying them, so they’re not there to eat. Much easier than buying them and relying on will power to just have one. And yes sometimes it’s fine to buy them, like it if you’re not well and it’s what you fancy and will make you feel a bit better. But as my youngest son ate the last biscuit from the stash last night I knew they wouldn’t be replaced any time soon!

Pre-commitment can also be buying the things you want to eat, so stocking up on fruit and veg so you have it readily available. Chopping your veg and preparing it so you’ve got some crudites ready if you want to snack. Put the things you want to eat (because you know they’re good for you) in your line of sight, put the fruit bowl where you’ll walk past it and the crudites in your eye line when you open the fridge. Lots of visual cues will help you do the things you know are good for you.

The Power of Self-Compassion in Building Resilience: Embracing Kindness in Challenging Times

Life is full of ups and downs, and in the face of adversity, resilience becomes our guiding light. While resilience is essential, it is equally crucial to recognise the power of self-compassion as we navigate the challenging moments that come our way. Self-compassion has a profound impact on building resilience, along with practical strategies to embrace kindness towards ourselves during difficult times. By cultivating self-compassion, we can strengthen our resilience and emerge stronger than ever before.

1. Understanding Self-Compassion:

Resilience goes hand in hand with self-compassion. Self-compassion involves extending kindness, understanding, and acceptance towards ourselves, especially when we face setbacks or hardships. Rather than engaging in self-criticism or harsh judgment, self-compassion allows us to treat ourselves with the same kindness and support we would offer to a dear friend. It serves as a foundation for building resilience.

2. Embracing Imperfections:

Resilience requires acknowledging that we are not perfect and that making mistakes or facing challenges is a natural part of life. By embracing our imperfections, we can release the burden of unrealistic expectations and develop a compassionate response to our own shortcomings. Instead of berating ourselves for our perceived failures, we can cultivate resilience by seeing these moments as opportunities for growth and learning.

3. Nurturing Self-Care:

Self-compassion involves taking care of ourselves physically, emotionally, and mentally. Engaging in self-care practices such as regular exercise, nourishing our bodies with healthy food, getting enough restful sleep, and engaging in activities that bring us joy and relaxation can significantly enhance our resilience. By prioritising our well-being, we build a strong foundation to weather life's storms with resilience and strength.

4. Cultivating a Supportive Inner Dialogue:

The way we speak to ourselves internally has a profound impact on our resilience. Developing a supportive inner dialogue involves replacing self-critical thoughts with words of encouragement, self-compassion, and understanding. When faced with adversity, remind yourself that it is okay to struggle, and offer words of kindness and support. By reframing negative self-talk, we can strengthen our resilience and cultivate a positive mindset.

5. Practicing Mindfulness:

Mindfulness, the practice of being fully present in the current moment without judgment, can enhance self-compassion and resilience. By observing our thoughts and emotions with curiosity and non-judgment, we create space for self-compassion to flourish. Mindfulness helps us become aware of our own suffering and respond with compassion and kindness, leading to increased resilience in the face of challenges.

In the journey of building resilience, self-compassion is a powerful ally. By embracing kindness, understanding, and acceptance towards ourselves, we can strengthen our resilience and navigate life's challenges with grace and determination. Remember that self-compassion is not a sign of weakness, but a testament to our inner strength and courage.