Help!

Asking for help is one of the things that resilient people do. They recognise they can’t do everything on their own and they know there is power in sharing a burden.

The issue is, when we’re in challenging times and we’re stressed and just trying to get through the day, we can accidentally isolate ourselves. We put off making plans with friends and family because we’ve just got too much on.

We think that if we just put all our effort into this issue that we have, we’ll get through it. Whether it’s excess workload, competing deadlines, a medical issue, caring responsibilities, it’s too much for us alongside everything else, and so we give up on some of the things that would help. A sign that you’re struggling is when you tell yourself that you just need to get through this.

You stop doing the things you love, the things you’d enjoy, and everything becomes focused on this one major issue. Its really difficult to see that when you’re in it though.

But think about it this way. If you knew that one of your close friends or family members was going through a tough time, would you want to help them? And If you suspected they were struggling but they didn’t tell you? How would you feel?

When we’re going through a stressful situation, we become more self centred. It’s a survival mechanism and we focus on what we need to do to keep our head above the water. When we’re thinking straight we’re more likely to ask for help. But when we’re in a negative spiral we can let feelings of shame and embarrassment stop us. We don’t want even our closest friends to know we haven’t got it all together. But really, if it was one of your close friends, would you care that they didn’t have it all together or would you want to do whatever you can to help them? I know I would want to help and I think that’s true of most people.

I’ve seen for myself that despite how busy people are, they will make time to do things for others because they want to help them feel better, and because we also feel good knowing we’ve made a difference to someone.

There is so much strength is asking for help, and seeking it out can make a huge  difference in how quickly you bounce back from adversity. There are always helpers. They might come from the most unexpected places but if you look, you’ll find them.

Resilience Levers to pull when you need a boost

When I think about resilience, two things strike me. The first is that most people haven’t heard about it until they need it. That’s to say that people who are going along nicely through life don’t really dwell on how they will deal with challenging times, either because they don’t have a frame of reference because nothing particularly challenging has happened for them, or because they prefer the ostrich head buried in the sand approach.

The second is that people usually realise they are properly “in the shit” when they’ve gone too far down the path to bring it back easily. Sometimes challenging times happen in part out of a situation we create ourselves. What I mean by that is that we make certain choices, such as cancelling plans or not making plans, which make us feel more isolated and that makes the challenging times feel worse as we’ve got less support to share the mental and physical load, and also we can become fixated on our issues and problems and feel very “woe is me” at the same time believing that everyone else is going just fine. Chances are they’re not and if you stopped to ask you’d find that out, but the smaller your world becomes the more miserable it feels.

So what is resilience? Well it’s a toolkit of things that you can do in the long term to stay healthy and happy, with some levers you can also pull in the short term to boost your resilience. One of the most important of these in my experience is the encouragement of others. Often we get so caught up in our own small perspectives that we are scared to get out of our comfort zones and take what we perceive to be risks. Having someone who encourages and believes in you makes a big difference to what you are then willing to do. It’s almost like it gives you permission to be bold, to take the action, to do the thing. When our perspective is narrow and we focus too much on ourselves things can feel too difficult and scary and we talk ourselves out of doing the very things we know deep down will help. So I’d call encouragement a lever that you can use.

Another lever that I recommend is helpful when your resilience is being tested is to find a way to help someone else. It’s usually the last thing you will feel like doing when you’re in the middle of a challenging situation but here is why it’s important. When our resilience is tested and our world shrinks we lose our sense of perspective and often everything can become about that specific situation. Finding someone else who you can make a difference to is a tangible method of widening that perspective. Whether it’s helping a friend with a job application or moving boxes to help them move house; or just carrying someone’s bag for them if it looks heavy, it forges a connection and takes you out of your issues for a little while. A study carried out gave participants some money to spend on what they need wanted to make them happier. In the western world, the participants treated themselves to something but it made little difference to their happiness. In countries like Japan, the participants spent the money on someone else or donated it for example, because they know that the route to happiness is in helping others. Something to think about next time you’re in a challenging spot.

Anyway, whilst we’re on levers to pull, I’m going to throw exercise into the mix. I know I’m as guilty of putting this off when I’m “too busy” as the next person, but when all of the research tells you how good it is for you, when we know how it changes the way we feel, and the fact it makes us more productive afterwards, why wouldn’t we do it! It’s just a reminder that sometimes throwing everything at the problem and keeping your head down and carrying on regardless isn’t always the right approach. After exercising you’ve got blood pumped to all the right places, you’re more energetic, you’re primed and you’ve had some time away for the cogs to whirl a bit and process your issue. Sometimes that’s all you need to get a bit of perspective and come up with a different approach. Whether it’s a swim, a run, a gentle jog, some strength training or some yoga, it doesn’t matter. It’s the doing of it that matters.

Resilience - Nature or Nurture?

A question I was asked recently is whether people can be naturally resilient or whether it’s something that can be learnt, and my answer was both. Resilience is like a muscle.  You exercise the muscle to keep it strong and build it up, sometimes you have a bit of time off and the muscle weakens but if you’ve got the right foundations then it builds back up again quickly from that muscle memory.

Where I believe some people are naturally resilient, I don’t think they’re necessarily born that way, although to an extent there are qualities that can support resilience for example if someone is naturally laid back. My belief is that resilience is more nurture than nature, and resilient parents raise resilient children. Think about it. If your parent already role models some of the key foundations of resilience, then you’ll typically follow their lead and do them too. So if a parent eats healthily, chances are they know the importance of that and will pass on both the taste for healthy food, but also the knowledge of what’s good for you and how to make that. Similarly with exercise, if a parent regularly does some form of exercise, whatever that may be, it role models that for the child who sees it as normal and builds it into their daily life.

This isn’t something easily proven, but it’s my opinion, and I’m open to other perspectives here but I think that upbringing can have a strong impact on self esteem too. These are all important when it comes to resilience, and we’ve talked about role modelling the good behaviours, but in some instances growing up those may not have been seen in parents.

Some may instead have had parents who struggled, had mental health issues, addiction, and trauma and maybe they hadn’t seen resilience in action either, didn’t have the experience of their parents dealing with challenges successfully, and so didn’t have the role model behaviour of those foundations. It’s not an excuse for treating anyone badly, but more an explanation about learned behaviour and those lucky enough to have the right examples passed down versus those who might find resilience a bit more challenging as they don’t have the strong foundations in place and instead may have different coping mechanisms and responses.

Often people who have been in those situations can recognise they don’t have the right tools in place but don’t know how to change that. Sometimes those tools work better for the neurotypical brain than the neurodivergent brain, which can be less used to consistency and routine, but done is better than perfect and every little helps, which is work remembering.

So what do you do if you don’t have a resilient parent that role modelled helpful behaviours? The first thing I’d suggest is to find someone else that does. It could be someone you know who always handles challenges calmly for example, or someone who exercises regularly, or someone who has been through struggles and has come through the other side. Or it might be someone you know of rather than know, or maybe a famous person that you admire. The point of this is to look at the behaviours of that person so you can see what they do and reflect on how you can develop similar behaviours to help you. Remember no one is perfect so you might want to take aspects you admire from more than one person. If you haven’t had behaviours role modelled for you it might be something to try.

The second thing I would suggest you do would be to get a pen and paper and write down the challenges you’ve come through in your life so far, and how you’ve dealt with them. Have you leaned on friends and your network during tough times, or did you stop going out and isolate yourself instead? Did you face issues head on or did you avoid them and hope they’d go away? It a tough exercise to do but it’s not about beating yourself up, it’s about trying to recognise how you’ve reacted in the past so you’re aware of that and prepared when things come up in the future. If you understand that this is the approach you’ve taken before, you’re more likely to recognise the warning signs which will enable you to take corrective action. And that might be going along to your girls night and pouring your heart out to them rather than staying at home and keeping it all in, and that just might be the better option for your resilience. Having an understanding of how resilient you are and your past approaches will help you make different and better choices in the future.

Resilience foundations

How resilient we are depends on our behaviours and habits. Strong foundational behaviours that support resilience are regular exercise, and good nutrition, because if you do both of these things then you’re less likely to rely on some of the other less healthy (but still perfectly valid) coping mechanisms.

Both exercise and nutrition support overall health, which is a critical factor in resilience, but which we often take for granted until we don’t have it. Often exercise and eating well are the first things to go when we have challenging times, so when we have too much on our plate, and too many of those plates spinning, we cancel our workout plans, and grab some food on the go, usually not the healthiest of options.

Exercise has been hailed as potentially being the silver bullet when it comes to resilience and I’m tempted to broadly agree with this. If you exercise regularly and it’s a habit you are in, then often it works as a preventative measure against the build up of stress and keeps your resilience topped up.

When we exercise we have more energy which also helps us deal with the challenges that come our way, and we are also more productive, and that helps us too. But one of the even more important benefits of exercise is that it gives us space for our brain to process whatever is going on and find those lightbulb moments, or even just take us away from the immediate problem and find the perspective that we need to realise that in the grand scheme of things it’s not a big deal. One of my friends used to say on bad days at work “nobody died and we still got paid” and whatever had gone on, that was still true and I think does help take away the importance that often builds up in workplaces against relatively inconsequential issues.

We know exercise releases endorphins that make us feel good, and we know that getting that blood pumping round our body helps us, so why do we find it so hard to do? I know that I enjoy exercise and feeling fit but find it hard to get and stay in the habit myself. We know it’s good for us, but that  knowledge isn’t power unless we apply it consistently. Unfortunately we humans were built to conserve energy, so essentially we are lazy beings and prefer to take the easy option of lift over stairs every time. Conserving energy was useful in our past because we needed it for the occasions when we had to go Hunter Gathering to eat, but these days it’s much less useful as we have all the creature comforts and are more sedentary than ever before.

So how can you make exercise a habit that sticks, so your resilience levels stay topped up and your stress levels stay in control? The first thing is to do something that you enjoy. So maybe getting sweaty at a spinning class isn’t for you. It’s not for me either! But walking the dog is something I do enjoy doing. I’m not a fan of classes but I like a gentle swim in the sea.

Which brings me on to the second thing you can do and that’s to do something with others. I much prefer my sea swim when my friends are with me and we’re catching up on the goss and having a good giggle. In fact, those are some of my happiest times, and I always want to go. And the final thing that’s important when it comes to exercise, healthy eating, or good habits in general is that it’s better to set the bar really low and build up achievement momentum than set the bar high and give up because you feel like a failure. If you had one flat tyre you wouldn’t slash the other three would you?

So if you miss a workout don’t decide it’s not for you and stop, or try and make up for it and then it feels too hard. Just give yourself grace and permission to miss that one and keep going. Don’t undo all your good work because you’ve had one bad day or week.